I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
