I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
