Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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