Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
