So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
