You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
