I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Randomize
