I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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