When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I cut my penus on the lid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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