new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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