even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
