Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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