a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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