woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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