I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
