I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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