i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
