My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
