last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
