i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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