OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
