just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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