My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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