i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
