If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
