meet me or not, i'm out of control
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
