Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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