i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
