Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
