No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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