Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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