Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
