im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
