I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
