Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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