I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
