Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
