I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We talked him into tasing himself.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
