My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
