my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
