Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
