My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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