i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
