WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
