I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
