hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
