I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
