i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think I just sharted jello shots
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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