His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
