you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
