If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
