weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
